Dear Nicole Arbour – why I’d love to shake your hand

The internet is awash with your Dear Fat People.

(If anyone else reading this hasn’t already seen Nicole’s six minutes of insightful commentary on obesity, then don’t bother. Make yourself a cracking cup of tea and watch the clouds passing the window instead, you’ll get more from it. If you’ve already fallen over it on social media, like a fluorescent safety cone in a shopping centre, you’ll either feel cross about someone else’s lack of concern for health and safety or the amusement that us bipeds at the upper end of the evolutionary ladder use to cover embarrassing situations.)

I want to thank you, pretty lady because although your message seems young, funky and ‘out there’ (thanks for showing us your Kesha hair, so we know just how hip you are), it is a latecomer to the fatshaming bandwagon: a bandwagon that having already shakily rambled along a long, bumpy lane with three wheels and a broken axel, now sits rotting gently in the corner of a forgotten barn with only pigpoop and a lonely donkey for company. And the fact that your ranting about something this old, tired and unfit for purpose reminds me of how far we’ve come in our conversation about obesity.

I won’t pretend that this conversation started in my lifetime. But I did used to eat my Weetabix to the Green Goddess shaking her thing on breakfast telly in the eighties. I engaged in the low-fat insanity going around at the time, believed wholeheartedly in pasta as my saviour and like millions of fellow tubbies likely picked up an insulin intolerance along the way. Protein came under fire with the food-combining frenzy of the nineties and now the new century is waging war on carbs.

You’ll be happy to know that the myth of the weight control one-size-fits-all silver bullet now seems to be on the wane. Even a shallow search of the internet throws up issues such as:

Is it a matter of calories in vs. calories out any more?
Is the adage ‘just stop eating’ helpful for long term weight loss and health gain?
What role does exercise play and does the hunger it creates outweigh the benefits?
Is it possible to be fat and fit?
Are obese people more prone to getting diabetes or are people already prone to getting diabetes more likely to develop an obesity problem as well?
What role does mental health play in eating and exercising habits?
What of the multi-million dollar, multinational diet industry? Are they doing a Tyler Durden and selling rich women their own fat arses back to them or providing a valuable service?

I can’t say that I have answers to any of the above questions but you don’t seem to either: you present no credible evidence to support your ‘facts’.

D’oh! Of course you don’t. And this isn’t because you’re a blonde explaining simple stuff to people who should know better, it’s because your video is part of your act.

Of course it is, I hear you say, you’re a writer and comedian. But there are moments when the woman behind the mask apologises for the tripe she’s ranting about – a smile, an apology, an awkward caveat: then the one-woman Punch and Judy show starts again.

And so, for the woman operating the puppet, I’d like to propose a vote of thanks.

Thanks for highlighting all the reasons why the futility of fat-shaming is still a relevant issue.
Thanks for making strong, agile but fat arsed people like me run faster, write harder and shout louder.
Thanks for motivating people to search out body positive sites like Callie Thorpe’s From the Corners of the Curve, organisations who can help with real life obesity issues like the charity Hoop and Facebook pages like blogger Debz Aiken’s plus size life/no weight loss chat page which offers an alternative place to talk about feeling good and living life without the constant hum of yet another diet in the background.
Thanks for encouraging all those women who will be sat in a PCOS clinic this morning to turn their backs on the destructive narrative of fat as a defining verb.
Thanks for creating an environment where the fabulousness that is Tess Holliday can blossom, pushing out the senseless, archaic and quite frankly spent ideas we used to have about size and aesthetics.

Fat shaming is just not on trend anymore – and your video is all about fat shaming, whatever label you choose to use.

I mean, putting a pair of boots into an oven won’t make them biscuits.

(Just imagine the last sentence was cut in black and white and said without the backing track – I’m stood looking into a pretend oven, wide eyed in surprise. It helps people to laugh at poorly thought out jokes, apparently.)

And just indulge me for a moment. Did Frankenstein ever walk like a zombie? Perhaps he did on his more morose days but there are also breath taking moments of Shelley’s book when we follow him at break neck speed across the ice in pursuit of his creation.

Oh, hang on, you’re talking about the creation put together by the doctor Frankenstein.

Perhaps you need this simple, fat, brunette to explain that Mary Shelly’s ground breaking text is a dark and wretched exploration of body and acceptance. Ironic to think you had mistakenly referenced it in a video loaded with empty rhetoric and prejudice about what you see as disfigured, broken bodies.

And yes, for the record, I could catch up with you. I enjoy running as much as I enjoy eating cake and surprisingly, I do the former more often than I do the latter.

Seriously though, I’ve read responses to your video that have ranged from the outraged to the tickled pink. There have been those who’ve passed it off as ill-judged humour and those who have seen it as senseless nonsense dripping from the mouth of an attention seeking idiot. For others, it’s been harmful, very harmful and this has once more raised issues of responsibility and censorship on the internet.

But I still think we need to be grateful to you for highlighting just how tired and one-dimensional #fatshaming is these days.

And I could finish up by saying that I hope you enjoy your five minutes of shame because you’re the kind of bottle blonde that’ll be forgotten about in five minutes – but that would be senselessly rude and I’d have to wander across the screen in black and white.

And I can’t. Because you (and everyone else reading this) are exercising your ability to read, not passively soaking up YouTube content.

And Smarties. Thank you for reminding me of how delightful these little capsules of sugary chocolate joy are. I’m going to squish a few in my mouth this afternoon.